RedSea4u

Like the Tom Jones one Andy

Sounds like the perfect excuse for avoiding the kids to me

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears

when you're worried no one sees your pain....

when you are happy no one sees your smile.....

But just try sitting on a bus with no clothes on and see how much attention you get.

ps. Can someone pick me up from the police station in about an hour. Ta !

Another ? OK then

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each
other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to
play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that
the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep
him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

'What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?' The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it
to the lawyer. NOW, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer has a perplexed look on
his face as the Blonde leans away and falls asleep. The Lawyer starts using
his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the
Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the
smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he
finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not
knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up
a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep..

And they say blonde's are dumb

Andy, now you have finished the shed, have you moved into it permanently???:)

Yes, it's lovely in here and it is a wireless hotspot.

Here we go then.....

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Bought spirelady a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood, it turns green, when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Maybe next time I'll buy her a diamond!

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
______________________________________

Here we go again.
I'm now on a mission to try to make Hurghada lady smile.

On the sixth day God turned to the Angels and said:
" Today I am going to create a land called Egypt.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty.
It shall have a beautifully sparkly river cutting through green fields full of all kind of trees,
high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich to make the inhabitants prosper.
I shall call these inhabitants Egyptians, and they shall be known as the
most friendly people on Earth"
"But Lord," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Egyptians?
Isn't it unfair for the rest of the world?"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

Good one Andy

Very good Andy, & you succeeded in your mission

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Brilliant 1 & 9 my favourites.

My sense of humour! Might just try a few of those of course not Number 9!!

Love the idea of the zoo one